Sunday, 12 March 2017

It's been 2 weeks to the day since he left us, and I haven't stopped thinking about him since and I don't think there will be a day where I won't think about him. My dad passed away on February 26th around 10:30pm, and I feel like a part of me went with him and I don't feel whole because a part of my heart is missing. I wanted to make this post to explain why I've been away, what happened and why I always thought that my dad was the best and coolest dad ever!

My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer a year ago this month, but I didn't find out about it until last June. Reason being, my dad didn't want me to know until he had more information and answers for me before I knew. Always trying to protect me, can't say I blame him for that. I'll never forget the day he came to my work to tell me because I didn't recognize him, my own father! In the 6 months since I'd last seen him, which was Christmas, he was so skinny and had no hair and he had looked like he'd aged 10 years, it was shocking to say the least. But at that time the news seemed to be good, he was on the mend and on his way to being cancer free as he was responding well to the treatments. By September he was declared as such, and it was such a relief or so we thought. Little did we know, he still had it and by the time it was discovered (which was late November, I think) it had spread pretty badly throughout his body. Again, I didn't know about it until Jan 10th, the day after his birthday. But I remember throughout December, every time I texted him, I would have this feeling that the cancer was back, but I never asked because I wanted to stay blissfully ignorant for a little while which to this day I don't know if that was a good or bad thing. 

After I found out, I went to visit him as much as I could. He was staying with my Uncle David at this point, and was still optimistic about the treatments. But at the end of January, the 25th to be exact, he told me that he was stopping the treatments because he found out that they wouldn't prolong his life by that much. Not long after that he got admitted into St. Peter's hospital which is a hospice care unit. Before I continue, I can't say enough good things about the care and compassion the staff there has. I'm so thankful to everyone there for all that they do, it's truly amazing! He was in there for a nearly a month, and it was hard to go and see him slowly get worse and to see him in pain. So when it came time, I was thankful he didn't have to go through that anymore, but at the same time I wasn't ready to not be able to see him anymore, I'm still not and that's when I have a hard time.

I was always proud and happy that he was my dad because I always thought that I had the coolest dad, and I was so lucky. I'll always think that! I hate that I have to talk in past tense now. But he always tried to make things fun. Like when I was younger and my cousin would come over to our house, he had just got a new big screen TV, and he would move the couches to look like rows in a movie theater. I would make the tickets, and rip them for us and then we'd go to watch the movie and my dad would put a blanket over the screen, so he'd have to slowly raise it for us before we'd watch the movie. We'd always watch movies together, we loved our stupid humour movies like Austin Powers, Night at the Roxbury, The Hangover and so many more. We always loved to do movie line impressions to each other any chance we got! Also loved getting to go to the race track with my dad, Uncle David and cousin Stephanie. So many fun times getting to watch the horses, and because they were friends with some of the racers, we'd even get to go into the back and see the horses!

As I got older, we used to go to the tanning salon all the time but especially in the winter. We could walk out in t-shirts in the winter because we were pros who could go at the max time they would allow. After each session the first thing we'd ask each other was if we fell asleep, and how we'd have the best naps in those things! Also loved anytime my dad came to pick me and my friends up from the movies in his cool Trans-Am car. Everyone thought my dad was so cool, and I loved that because I thought that too and I loved when others got to see how cool and fun he was. I have so many more memories, but these are the ones that have been standing out to me in the past 2 weeks.

I regret that later on when I was out of highschool and working, and when he had moved away to Cambridge, we didn't get to see each other as much as we usually did. We both let work get in the way, and at the time I'd think I have my whole life to spend time with my dad, but then something like this comes in and takes that all away from us. It's taught me a lesson to not put things off because you never know when your life is about to drastically change.

Now that everything is all said and done, and I just feel lost sometimes because suddenly I'm just meant to move on, and I just can't grasp the fact that my dad's not here anymore. I feel like everything was just a really horrible nightmare, and now it's over and everything is back to normal until I look over to my dad's urn (which is staying with me for the rest of my life because that's what he wanted and what I needed). I feel like I'm teetering between rising from the pain of it all and being strong like him because it's what he would've wanted and what others need, but then wanting to shut everything off and just lay in my grief. But I know I have to go the strong route, not only because it's the healthier option but because I feel like my dad really is watching over me and I can't let him see me upset. My whole life I never wanted my dad to see me upset, and so I feel like I can't start now. In all this, it's been pointed out to me the traits I got from him like how we don't like to be a burden on others, we're independent, we don't ask for help but we'll give help to anyone who asks, among other things I'm sure.

Here's two TV quotes that are stuck in my mind at the moment.

First is from One Tree Hill, my favourite character, Haley (see the above picture), her mom had died from cancer and she was struggling with the aftermath.
 “Oh, I was thinking about the finality of it all. How somebody can leave your world in the blink of an eye and be gone forever. It’s…it’s too enormous to think about. It’s too hard. And then we’re just supposed to go on, right? Like, just…Deal with it. I mean, really you’re supposed to be sad for about as long as the flowers last, and then, oh, time to go back to telling jokes and reminiscing about the old days. I don’t have any jokes to tell. As a matter of fact, I hope I never hear another joke as long as I live. And the old days are just… that. They’re old days that are… gone.”
The other is a recent quote from last week's This Is Us episode where Randall says this after losing his biological dad to cancer.
"For days, I’ve been plagued by this question: how do I honour my father’s legacy? Then I realized I honour it by taking what I’ve learned from how he lived his life, and having it shape the way I go on living mine."
As much as I was thinking more like the first one a lot, I'm leaning more towards the second quote now. I want to be able to now carry on my dad's legacy which was to care for others especially those who can't really speak up for themselves, like pets and children. My dad loved both! He loved to take care of kids especially, he always would find a special connection with them and make sure they were having a happy childhood. He would also stand up for people. He didn't like bullies, and he didn't hesitate to stand up to a bully to protect others. He was also quick to bring humour into any situation, just make things fun and not so serious. Life is too short for things to be serious all the time, so make time to have fun and laugh and be happy for as long as you can.

I miss my dad so much that it physically hurts! I miss him coming to visit me when I was working at Tim Hortons and I'd get him his medium 2 cream, 1 sugar. I miss texting him, and him constantly texting back "cool". I miss going to all you can eat buffets with him and seeing how many times we could go up to get more food. Or trying new food, like tofu, and seeing him nearly cry from how much he didn't like it but he had to try it because "anything you can eat, I can" he'd say. I miss getting lobster or crab, and not being able to crack it so getting my dad to do it for me and he'd sneak some for having to do the work. I miss laughing with him, talking to him, being around him. I miss everything!

I had/have the greatest and coolest dad ever, and I'm so thankful for that. I'm thankful that I got to call him my dad! I love you dad so much!! As much as a human heart can love another person. You'll always be the strongest, funniest, greatest man I know. My hero. I'll always love you, and I'll always miss you!


  1. Michelle, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dad seems like a wonderfully thoughtful and awesome parent and I can't imagine that these two weeks have been easy for you or your family. *hug* Thank you for sharing this post and please take care of yourself.

    1. Thanks lovely!! *hugs* He was the best dad a girl could ask for, and I'll forever miss him.

  2. Michelle,
    So sorry to hear about your dad. I remember when you used to talk about him on ff. You had/have so much love for him and I'm sure wherever he is, he feels it and will always be there with you.

    Take care.


    1. Thank you so much Wendy!! *hugs* I miss him so much!! But like you said, he's always with me :)


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