Mental Health + COVID don't go together.

Sunday, 20 September 2020

[Image circa 2011. Who remembers this Instagram frame!]

Sigh. I'm that lazy and unmotivated that I can't even be bothered to take a new photo or try to make an image for this post. But I've been having a rough time trying to manage my mental health during a pandemic. I know I'm not alone in this, I know a lot of people who are struggling with their mental health as well. I also know that people who actually contract the disease have it way worse than I do. These are all things I'm aware of, and try to remind myself of when it all gets to be a bit too much.

But the truth is, every day is a struggle. I wake up everyday feeling anxious, the level of the anxiety can vary depending on the day, and what I'm doing that day. Work is the hardest right now. For the longest time, my work was my happy place. But the pandemic, and what I like to call COVID-idiots, have taken that away from me. I know that my safety is in my hands, and trust me I take all of this very seriously. But every day there is always someone or a couple someones who just don't. They are the ones that ruin your day and make you feel like screaming because the longer they don't at least try to give a shit, the longer it will be before I get my happy place back. This isn't going away any time soon, and when you can visibly see the reasons why, it's frustrating and very upsetting. It feels like I'm angry, irritatable, and stressed all the time! It makes me not like the person that I am which then in turn makes me feel very depressed with myself. I feel like I'm stuck in a vicious cycle right now.

I think for me, I'm a people pleaser, always have been. I don't like upsetting anyone or being a burden to anyone. So I feel like me not being at my best is having a negative effect on the people around me. Deep down, I know that isn't the case, but I can't help feeling that way. I'm well aware that I put too much pressure on myself, and worry way too much about every little thing. But it's the way I'm wired. I've spoken with my doctor, she's given me counseling options to help deal with my anxiety but I haven't called because I'm scared to commit to something like that especially because it's a group setting that I have to do first before I can get some one-on-one counseling.

I just feel like I'm stuck, not knowing what to do with myself and my life honestly. I'm 32 years old, I've never dated anyone due to extreme social anxiety. I don't make any effort to go out with friends because I'm so tired all the time. I'm basically a house hermit, and I've yet to break out of my bad habits. Every year I try to vow to myself to do better, and every year I stick to my routine of work and home life only. It's starting to scare me a little because I'm afraid I won't be able to push myself out of the comfort zone I created for myself. 

I'm going to leave it at that for today. But I'd love to hear about how you're coping with COVID, and all the changes it's brought to your lives. Also, if you struggle with any form of mental health disorders, how has the pandemic affected you. Are there any tips or tricks that you've found have helped you? Let me know in the comments.

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