Rabbit Hole of Anxiety and Depression.

Saturday, 2 January 2021

 Again I have dropped off on this blog. I lost all motivation. That's it, that's the reason. I feel like I have nothing to give. Nothing has meaning. So who cares, right. Really who fucking cares. I spent the first day of this year trying in little ways to do things until I realized it doesn't matter. It matters to me, and me alone. So I'm done trying to do things. 

I realized yesterday that for the past 10-15 years, I've dug myself so deep into a dark hole of anxiety and depression. I keep trying to climb out of that hole, but it's like a root will come loose and I'll go crashing back down again, only when I fall back down I fall deeper into the hole than when I started trying to climb out of it. I know I need help, you can't climb out of a deep hole without a helping hand. I'll get there. This year my focus is me. That's it. Just working on me. Putting myself first instead of trying to worry about everyone else. Everyone around me all has their person, and I don't. I only have me. I need me to get better so that I can find my person. For the record, I know I have people. But there's a difference. Anytime I got close to having a person, I ran scared and dove deep down into my dark rabbit hole because that was easier. Too scared I'll do something wrong, and get my heart broken. But wouldn't that be better than losing out on the experience and feeling like this now. Being 32 and not knowing what being in love feels like. Feeling like it's hopeless now, I'm too far down the hole.

I'm going silent. Silent on social media, at least for a while. I don't even know if anyone's going to read this and that's fine.

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